Thursday 2 January 2014

Lunchtime meal leaves nation’s new year resolutions in disarray


New Year resolution to eat healthily

The burger you had for lunch put an end to your pathetic attempt to eat healthily this year, according to sources close to you today.

Your first real day of healthy eating – because new year’s day doesn’t count as it’s technically a hangover day and then it was the weekend – has already been left in tatters after you popped out for a burger at lunchtime.

You told us, “Healthy eating seemed like such a good thing to add to my new years resolutions, but then I got a bit hungry and realised I liked eating nice things more than I like ticking things off a list.”

“Healthy eating – it’s a bit of a nebulous concept anyway, don’t you think? I mean, who’s to say what is really healthy, or not?”

“You might say that it’s doctors, nutritionists and medical experts that can say that, whereas I might be inclined to believe the nice voice at the end of the drive-thru intercom.”

“Anyway, there’s always tomorrow, eh?”

New year’s resolution

Elsewhere across the country gyms and health clubs have been preparing themselves for the new year onslaught from new members keen to get a few days use out of their new annual membership.

Gym manager Simon Williams told us, “It’s the worst time of the year for people who actually stick to a healthy lifestyle most of the time.”

“The gym is full of people planning a six-pack for the beach in the summer, but who will be spending their evenings eating family packets of crisps in front of the TV before Valentines Day.”

“I find it much easier to think of them as cash cows. Big, fat, sweaty wallets and purses going around making the place look untidy.”

“Of course, they’ll be long gone by February, but their direct debit will remain, which helps me to live with it.”

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