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Monday 23 December 2013

Supermarket customer refused pasta purchase by follower of Flying Spaghetti Monster


Flying spaghetti monster supermarket workers

A supermarket worker and strict adherent to the teachings of the Flying Spaghetti Monster has been criticised after refusing to sell customers any pasta-based products.

Shelf stacker Simon Williams, who works for Morrisons in Bradford, said that handling pasta is against his strict religious beliefs and that no-one should be able to force him to do his job – even if it involves something that’s all around him all day, every day.

Williams told reporters, “His supreme noodliness teaches us that pasta is his body, and as such it should be revered – not consumed as part of a balanced diet like these so-call ‘scientists’ keep telling us.”

“I’m sure there are plenty of disgusting infidels out there who want to eat pasta, and much as I’d prefer they didn’t, I won’t tell them to stop – but I certainly won’t have it cross my hands. It’s a mortal sin you know.”

“I’ve had wheelchair customers ask for help reaching things on high shelves, only to discover they actually wanted a 400g pack of our quick cooking rigatoni, and I’ve simply had to refuse.”

“Sure, they don’t take it so well at first, but I can always get a different member of staff to help them – well, on the rare occasion I’m not the only person on the shop floor, obviously.”

“The wheelchair ones do tend to get quite grumpy though – but Pastafarianism teaches is that we should embrace our fellow man, unless they behave like pricks.”

Flying spaghetti monster

Managers at the supermarket chain have expressed their concern for any customers suffering inconvenience due to the inability of any Pastafarians to handle pasta, but explained that their hands are somewhat tied.

Store manager Lisa Matthews told us, “There is very little we can do. Pointing out that pasta has always been part of our product range, and that taking a job here meant they were going to come into contact with it has fallen on deaf ears.”

“Apparently if it’s against any part of your religion you can get away with pretty much anything you like in the workplace.”

“It’s not just the Flying Spaghetti monster though, Steve who collects the trolleys has been carrying a lightsaber since October after he found out he could legally call himself a Jedi.”

Science – making religion look stupid since the 17th century

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