Wednesday 11 December 2013 by Fionn Shiner

Scientists discover coldest place on Earth at centre of George Osborne’s chest


Scientists have declared that the newly discovered black abyss where George Osborne’s heart should be is now officially the coldest place on earth, having recorded temperatures of -95.6 Celsius.

These new findings beat the previously declared coldest place on Earth, at the heart of Antarctica, by over three degrees.

The team of scientists were initially shocked at the satellite’s findings and sent a small team of experts into the heart of Westminster to investigate and locate the precise spot delivering such abnormally cold readings.

Scientist Albert Whinestein, who led the team of experts, said: “When the results first came up as London, UK, we were flabbergasted.”

“We followed the device and it led us to George Osborne’s office. We walked in and found him practicing how to cry in front of a mirror.”

“He then asked us if anyone wanted a hug because his PA had been teaching him different techniques. He went as far as to rub my shoulder in an overly familiar ‘pally’ way but I just felt very uncomfortable.”

“Once we realised that the source of this ice-cold temperature was the hole in Osborne’s chest it made a lot more sense to us.”

Coldest place on earth

The investigative team went on to explain such extreme temperatures are difficult for non-scientific people to understand.

They explained, “A temperature this low is very hard for people with an ounce of sympathy, humility, kindness or human warmth to contemplate.”

“However, looking at his track record of public policy and obscene cuts, it’s really not that surprising.”

Member of the public Catherine Yule told us, “I don’t really know if this discovery is newsworthy.”

“I mean anyone who tries to close public services, like the libraries, is clearly a cold-hearted bastard.”

“The only time I’ve seen him show any sign of human emotion is when he cried at Margaret Thatcher’s funeral. Need I say more?”

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