Tuesday 10 December 2013

Derek Acorah insists ‘the spirits’ made him refuse a breathalyser test


Desperately unconvincing psychic Derek Acorah has told police that dead people told him not to take a breathalyser test after crashing his car in Southport.

With closed eyes, a hand on his temple and the other going for your wallet, Acorah spoke of the spirits that flowed through him and the voices that warned him of the potential dangers of breathing into the bag put in front of him by a police officer.

His arresting officer told reporters, “He stood in front of me, brazen as you like and said  ‘I’m getting an image, it’s of a small room, with bars, and a toilet in the corner – there is something bad going on here and we should stop now’.”

“He then said he was duty bound to do what the spirits told him, and that right now they were telling him to stop at a kebab shop for a large doner with everything on it.”

“‘The spirits made me do it’ is a common defence in drink driving cases, but this is the first time they’ve actually had a voice craving junk food.”

“Thankfully our legal system isn’t full of the gullible morons who fall for this type of drivel.”

Acorah arrested

A spokesperson for Derek Acorah has insisted that the incident has a perfectly logical explanation, and doesn’t require a ghostly apparition to convince people of the truth.

They told us, “It’s quite simple really. People pay Derek silly amounts of cash to pretend to talk to dead people. And drink drivers generally create more dead people, which means more paying customers wanting to talk to them.”

“So you might see this as breaking the law, but we see it as basic marketing.”

“He’s just looking to fill his sales pipeline for the rest of the year.  How can that be wrong?”

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