Thursday 7 November 2013

Woman who completed Christmas shopping acting like she deserves a goddamn prize


Office worker Sheila Matthews has completed her Christmas shopping, telling everyone she works with as if she had completed the London marathon or something.

Matthews completed her Christmas shopping with the online purchase of an electric razor for her father in law, before loudly informing anyone in earshot, “Well that’s me done for Christmas!”

Her colleagues have spoken of their bemusement that her ability to succumb to the marketing efforts of a series of retailing conglomerates is anything to be proud of.

Colleague Simon Williams explained, “It’s almost as if she thinks completing your Christmas shopping nearly two months early is actually a source of personal pride.

“You know, rather than a sign of her complete inability to ignore any Christmas-based advertising put in front of her.

“She went to Sainsbury’s yesterday and brought back five bags of wrapping paper, ‘because they were there’.

“And yet we wonder why the supermarkets start selling Christmas tat in September – it’s because of goddamn morons like Sheila.”

Williams went on to insist that people like Matthews will never win, and that Christmas shopping should always be concluded in a blurry panic minutes before the shops shut on Christmas eve.

He went on, “Why people think Christmas shopping should even be considered before the clocks go back is a complete mystery to me.

“If you’re not convinced, just look to the Bible for guidance – do you think the three wise men really wanted to get Jesus some Frankincense and Myrrh?

“Of course they didn’t, they only got him that because they left it to the last-minute, and it was all the garage around the corner had left.

“To be honest, we’re lucky the Bible doesn’t include stories about gifts of air-fresheners and BBQ briquettes.”

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