Friday 1 November 2013 by Jack Leonard

X Factor winner to be given obscurity counselling


ITV executives have confirmed that this year’s X Factor winner will be given obscurity counselling to help them deal with the intense pressures of anonymity.

The producers have taken this unusual step after a survey revealed that 80% of the population couldn’t name last year’s winner.

After the final show, the victorious contestant will be whisked away to a secret location where they will be taught how to cope with the perils that go hand in hand with the X Factor crown.

The innovative therapy includes being ignored by an entire room of people and sitting next to a phone that refuses to ring.

There will also be vocational training in shelf-stacking and minicab driving.

X Factor counselling

Immediately following the announcement, Internet users accused the producers of coming up with yet another gimmick to halt falling ratings.

However, an ITV spokesman was quick to defend the plan, saying, “Even though we prostitute and manipulate every contestant for our own profit, we still have a duty of care to them.”

“In the past, people like whatshisname…you know, the tall one, could be relied on to fade away quietly.”

“Unfortunately, this year the voting is so erratic that there’s every chance Hannah could win it.”

“That girl needs the attention so badly she’s going to self-harm the first time a nightclub doorman doesn’t recognise her.”

“Even we can’t make that look good.”

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