Tuesday 29 October 2013 by Gary Stanton

Three new species of vertebrate discovered behind woman’s fridge


A two pence coin-dwelling frog is among three new species discovered in a “lost world” behind a woman’s unclean fridge in the upper reaches of Basingstoke, according to reports.

Scientists from Portsmouth University were dropped by helicopter in March this year into the remote area of filth, which resulted from slutty Legal Secretary Janet Simpson’s attempts to balance a successful career with a family.

Among the other new species identified are a monkey with an arse like Godfrey Bloom’s face and a gecko that looks like a plug.

Dr Conrad Hoskin, who led the expedition, said, “Finding these new species down there is the discovery of a lifetime.”

“What’s the point in sending expensive research teams to Papua New Guinea when there’s more biodiversity behind your average Zanussi?”

New discovery

Conrad also raised fears that such fridge-based habitats may come under threat as women come under increasing pressure from UKIP bell-ends to use a wet cloth with bleach on it.

“The fact that this slattern has neglected her fridge area in the selfish pursuit of a career is an absolute boon to wildlife and the planet in general,” he added.

Surveys had previously been conducted in and around Ms Simpson’s refrigerator but the skirting board had remained largely unexplored, fortressed by a “monstrous wall” of Tesco bags accessible only by helicopter.

“This gecko hides in the dust during the day and emerges at night to hunt on stray frozen peas and bread crumbs,” said Conrad.

“We believe it shares an evolutionary link with a salamander we found behind the toaster.”

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