Tuesday 29 October 2013

Energy bosses meet in coffee shop round corner to ‘get their story straight’


The bosses of the country’s top six energy providers have met for a quick coffee to ensure they have their story straight before appearing before a group of MPs.

The bosses have been called in front of the Energy and Climate Change Committee, following recent price rises and to justify why they all seem to be doing exactly the same thing, at exactly the same time.

As one energy executive explained, “It’s important at times like this that we all agree to say exactly the same thing so it looks like none of us has done anything wrong.”

“It’s a pretty simple mantra we need to repeat – wholesale prices, green levies, and we don’t make that much money – just three points. If we stick to that we’re golden.”

Energy executives summoned

Industry analysts have said the repeated claims of the energy firms that consumer price rises are not excessive should carry all the veracity of a teenager claiming the dog ate his homework.

Energy industry analyst Simon Williams explained, “For some reason the oft-repeated line ‘but we only make 5% profit’ is considered acceptable – even when you’re paying your executives ridiculous salaries and bonuses and STILL making those profits.”

“To be clear, Apple Inc could make only 5% profit a year if it paid its executives a lot more, became less efficient, and made its cost base unnecessarily high.  I’m just saying.”

The executives refused to answer any further questions from reporters, concluding, “If you don’t mind, we’ve got to have our photo taken first – apparently they’re going to use it in the dictionary under the term ‘Oligopoly’.”

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