Thursday 24 October 2013 by Gary Stanton

Chess pawns feeling effects of reduced social mobility


Low-ranking chess pieces are the latest to suffer reduced social mobility under the heartless coalition bastards currently running the country, it has emerged.

A study of recent chess matches shows that since the Cameron-Clegg axis came to power, fewer pawns are managing to reach the back row where they can promote themselves to queens.

Pawn Simon Williams said, “I was brought up to believe that through self-advancement and avoiding capture, I could traverse the seven squares I needed to become a queen, rook or bishop.”

“Fat fucking chance of that. I’ve been sold a lie.”

“Time was when I’d move to the e4 square on my first move and happily control the centre. These days I’m lucky if I make it to g3.”

“I’ve even tried getting on the housing ladder but it’s kind of tricky with a circular base that’s weighted down with lead.”

Lack of social mobility

Opposing pawn Peter Armstrong agreed, “These days you inevitably find your way blocked by an opposing piece of higher rank such as a knight or bishop.”

“I’m afraid the freedom to move as many squares as I’d like diagonally or one-two-and-across is something I can only dream of.”

“It’s even harder if you’re black.”

Armstrong added, “I’m afraid the so-called ‘glass ceiling’ is an everyday reality for us humble pawns.”

“Or it might have just been a coffee table.”

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