Monday 21 October 2013 by @acustu

Vans to tour English pubs telling Scots to go home after Independence


Scottish independence

The Home Office has put in place plans to encourage Scots to go home in the event of a ‘Yes’ result in the Scottish independence referendum.

After favourable coverage in the right-wing press for sending a racist van into immigrant communities telling them to go home, it has been decided that a similar tactic will be used in areas with a high concentration of pubs.

A spokesperson for the Home Office explained, “It’s important the newspapers see that we’re against evil immigrant Scots stealing English jobs and yet at the same time lying in bed all day living off benefits.”

Potential immigrant Scot Angus MacDonald said that he was concerned that this was just the start.

“I’ve been drinking in English pubs for years now. It’s going to be bad enough with The World Cup in 2014 but now I’ll have this to deal with as well? What next, threatening text messages?”

Another potential immigrant who wished to remain nameless was even more distressed, “They want me to go home? But I’m white!”

Scots to ‘go home’

However not everyone disagreed with the strategy. Englishman Andrew Smith said, “It’s about time they went home, what did the Scots ever do for us?”

“Anyway must dash, I need to make a quick phone call to see if my penicillin prescription is ready to collect.”

Despite a serious lack of evidence that the policy will actually work, Theresa May said she definitely believes that this is the right thing to do.

She told reporters, “It is important that we send out a signal to the Scottish immigrant community that England is not a welcoming place unless you have something to give us.”

“And now that we have all your oil it’s time for you to go home.”

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