England qualified for the Brazil World Cup last night, providing fans with months of speculation as to how disastrously they will fare in the finals next summer.
After a 2-0 home win over Poland secured their qualification, manager Roy Hodgson began the work of explaining his team’s inevitable embarrassing exit.
He told reporters after the game, “Though we’re delighted to be in Brazil, obviously, we have to realistic, and that means enjoying our three group games as an unseeded team and not losing too badly.”
“Some of you will no doubt seem to think we can win it, but how you can suggest that with a straight face is beyond me.”
“Talk of winning is about as premature as an excited teenage boy in bed with Nicole Scherzinger.”
“How about we just focus on trying not to embarrass ourselves too much, first.”
“And maybe getting a nice tan?”
England World Cup qualification
Odds on England failing to score a goal have already tumbled after fans rushed to their online betting accounts, whilst some hardcore fans insisted that anything more than a fortnight in Brazil is too long anyway.
England fan Simon Williams told us, “You can see everything you need to see in just over a week, which should be long enough for us to get knocked out and come home.”
“I just hope our inevitable early return is at the hands of a team where we can name a few of the players.”
“There’s nothing worse than getting your arse handed to you by someone like Costa Rica.”