Thursday 3 October 2013 by Gary Stanton

New ‘Joe Hart’ vaccination could prevent public catching anything at all


Scientists believe they are close to a cure for all illnesses based on Man City goalkeeper Joe Hart’s inability to catch anything at all.

As well as managing to steer clear of footballs, experts have also noticed that Hart’s inability to catch stuff extends to colds, influenza and his own sneezes.

And medics claim that Hart’s genes may hold the secret to avoiding things like the winter vomiting bug or losing 3-1 at home to Bayern Munich.

Experts point to the case of a 40 year-old City fan with Shingles whose autograph book was dropped by Hart and who later emerged from the encounter with Shingles Lite.

Joe Hart vaccine

Flu expert John Goodier said, “Things are at a very early stage, but you may only need to be on the same losing team as Hart to avoid things like tonsillitis, whooping cough and The Clap.”

“Our research suggests that the only thing Joe has managed to successfully hold on to in the last twelve months is a shampoo endorsement deal.”

City fan Simon Williams said, “Finishing bottom of your group in the Champions League, or having an endless catalogue of poor health, infections and bowel complaints – it’s a no brainer.”

Goodier added, “We did invite Joe down to the lab to take part in some further tests, but he was unable to catch a taxi.”

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