Thursday 3 October 2013

Camelot to address falling lottery sales by doubling the price of everything


National Lottery organiser Camelot has announced a radical new plan to address falling ticket sales, in making everyone pay a lot more for them.

As spokesperson explained that with fewer people playing the lottery, less money is available for good causes such as Camelot’s executive bonuses.

They told us, “If only half as many people are playing the lottery, then we need to do charge twice as much to make the same amount of money.  It’s pretty obvious economics.”

“I don’t understand why people are so surprised.  Essentially we are an industry that thrives on addiction, so this makes perfect sense.  You should be happy we’re only putting it up a by a pound.”

“That grandmother who used her grandkids’ birth dates to pick her numbers isn’t going to stop buying lottery tickets, so it’s this market we are essentially looking towards to help fill our revenue gap.”

“This price rise isn’t aimed at people who can do maths, it’s aimed at morons, simpletons and addicted gamblers – you know, the ‘goldmine’ as we call them in the gaming industry.”

Lottery ticket rises

Former players of the lottery said that if you’re worried about no longer supporting good causes, just give 5p to the charity of your choice when you buy a ticket, as this is how much they get from each ticket sold.

Former lottery player Simon Williams explained. “The government takes 12p, the good causes take just 5p.  Just think about that for a moment.”

“Yet how much of the advertising focuses on telling you that your ticket money goes to support the government?”

“Look, if you really are stupid enough to want to spend money on a fourteen-million-to-one chance of becoming rich, why not give me a tenner a week, then in one of the next million weeks I’ll give you ten million pounds. Deal?”

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