Tuesday 20 August 2013 by Gary Stanton

Fracking ‘perfectly safe’, insists 90 metre lizard demon unleashed from Hell


Fracking Lizard

Fracking is a safe cost effective way to meet Britain’s energy demands for the future, according to an as yet unclassified lizard type creature from the ninth circle of Hell.

Work had to be stopped on the site near Balcombe after the hideous creature awoke from its foul underground pit after several hours of heavy drilling.

As Cuadrilla employees cowered behind protestors with makeshift placards, the sleepy beast assured them that ‘everything was cool’ and that it had been having a bit of trouble sleeping recently.

The creature, who prefers to be known as The Unspeakable One, said, “Fracking for shale gas is essential to improve our energy security, heat our homes, and provide adequate ventilation for my eggs, three thousand of which are about to hatch.”

The lizard thing’s reassurances, however, were dismissed by Caroline Lucas, the Green MP for Brighton who turned up for a photo opportunity.

“See – this is exactly the type of thing I’m on about,” she told us.

Fracking definitely safe

With the creature’s permission, Cuadrilla hope to resume drilling as soon as they locate around thirty of their employees who failed to return to the surface or respond to their cell phones.

Site foreman Simon Williams said, “They’re probably on an extended lunch break. You know how bad the signal is down there, especially if you’re with T-Mobile.”

Meanwhile, the creature insisted it had nothing whatsoever to do with the mens’ disappearance.

“Those agonised screams you heard were merely the sound of precious shale gas being forced out of cavities by highly pressurised jets of watery chemicals.”

“You Cuadrilla guys carry out whatever work you need to. It’s not like I’m going to initiate a rock-fall with my gargantuan tail, trapping your succulent human bodies in my putrid hellhole for all eternity.”

“Just don’t go near my eggs.”

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