Monday 19 August 2013 by Formelia Alberthine

Arsenal to appease fans with launch of match-day Heston Bluemthal pie


Arsenal have moved to appease fans airing their distaste at the club’s lack of big name signings by announcing the launch of a new match-day Heston Blumenthal steak & kidney pie.

The north London outfit engaged the culinary heavyweight to revolutionise the clubs match-day output by using the finest ingredients available to demonstrate to fans their volte-face on a policy of purchasing only sub-prime cuts.

The pie, which will cost £14, is viewed as a peace-offering by the club’s board, with each one guaranteed to leave the body without a protracted ‘will-he-won’t-he’ saga as soon as the transfer window opens.

A spokeswoman for the club, Sheila Mount, hoped the move would satisfy an increasingly restless fan base.

“Coming to a football match to support your team is so much more than coming to watch the results of your vastly wealthy club’s spending policy bear as much fruit as a desert planted cherry tree,” she told reporters.

“Its far more about increasing their coffers through merchandising of another unknown African starlet, and scoffing pies as the side you supported since you were knee-high gets a whalloping.”

Mount went on to advise fans on their own spending plans.

“I can’t recommend enough the £4 Heston gravy sachet to accompany your Heston pie.”

“It really is a treat.”

Arsenal supporter, Charles Trump, felt the time had come to place the club’s board in a much larger, meatier pie.

“Just think how much could be generated for transfer funds if they were diced?”

“Usmanov and gravy sounds delicious.”

“What, £14?”

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