Friday 9 August 2013 by Waylandsmithy

Cameron hails ‘green shoots of recovery’ in UK’s Panda output


David Cameron has cited the UK’s ‘significant rise in panda output’ as proof that the coalition’s economic policies are working.

With a boost expected to be announced in the niche ‘baby panda production’ sector, there are hopes that the first job could be created in Scotland since 1987.

“Baby pandas don’t hold themselves up to the press cameras, you need a trainee zoo-keeper on a zero-hours contract for that”, explained the PM.

“Lets just hope they don’t notice the cage is more comfortable than their council flat.”

The construction of tiny panda cubs is normally outsourced to China, where the plentiful supply of working pandas ensures that life is cheap.

Many of these adult pandas over there are only semi-skilled at love-making, but their sheer numbers mean they can churn out tiny, useless bears by the dozen.

Panda production up

Cameron praised the team of technicians who made the baby possible, although admitted that at this stage, it could still just be trapped wind.

“By artificially stimulating growth in a woman panda’s lady-area, we’ve shown just how useful a Tory can be to all you Scots.”

Labour’s Ed Balls dismissed the claims as ‘rubbish’ and insisted that if there had been any green shoots, the panda had ‘already eaten them’.

Standing next to a dazed-looking specimen, Balls claimed that panda output wasn’t a useful measure of economic success.

“I’m not sure pandas are very useful, they don’t really do much”, he went on.

“You hardly see them for weeks and then they just stand there, gawping at you with their unblinking, gormless eyes. Do we really need another one of these?”

“Look, it’s barely awake and people only put it here for sentimental reasons.”

“Oh, sorry Mr Miliband: I thought you were a bear.”

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