Thursday 8 August 2013 by Gary Stanton

Government to spend £500m having A&E units freshly decorated


A £500m government bailout for struggling accident and emergency units will ensure any cracks are papered over and receive a good lick of paint, according to ministers.

An extensive review of A&E units in England and Wales revealed appalling levels of bad paintwork and areas where different colour schemes clashed violently.

And a survey of patients found that those who underwent an Out Of Body experience more often than not encountered cracked ceiling plaster and insufficient levels of underlay.

Meanwhile, ministers admitted that patients often wait twelve hours on trolleys staring at out-of-date fixtures and unfashionable wallpaper.

The money will be invested in a range of colour schemes to appeal to all patients in varying degrees of distress and dehydration.

However, doctors and ministers have clashed over specifics. Medical professionals insist the rich pastel tones favoured by ministers could jeopardise patients’ health and prefer neutral shades such as Dulux Magnolia and Autumn Haze.

£500m for NHS

Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt has opened the bidding, insisting he would hand the contract to whoever can do it the cheapest.

Last night Dr Clifford Mann, president of the College of Emergency Medicine, told us he had “real concerns” about government plans to hire “A1 Finish”, a firm of painters and decorators from Kirkby.

Mann said, “Phil Henderson from A1 Finish is a notorious scoundrel who skimps on underlay and walks off the job half way through.”

But Hunt hit back saying Henderson has made an excellent job of his sister’s nursery despite his excessive tea consumption.

Hunt said, “At the end of the day this is about ensuring that patients receive the best value for money.”

“And if you don’t like the colour you can always go private.”

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