Monday 5 August 2013

New Doctor Who to travel back in time and invent the word ‘fuck’


The new Doctor will travel back to the year 1475 and invent the word ‘fuck’, head writer Steven Moffat told reporters today.

New Doctor Peter Capaldi will attend the signing of the Treaty of Picquigny, at the end of a brief war between England and France, before insulting a few annoying Frenchmen in language completely new to the age.

Moffat told us, “The earliest recording of the work ‘fuck’ is almost 600 years ago, so we plan to have the Doctor go back and chuck a load of ‘fucks’ around at some French sounding alien types during the brief Anglo-French war.”

“It’s a war with France, and the Doctor speaks English, so obviously he’s going to be on our side, and abusing the French will come naturally.”

“Plus, that sonic screwdriver is forever breaking down – if he was any sort of workman he’d be swearing at it constantly.  Peter has already suggested this be his ‘thing’.”

“He quite likes, ‘This fucking piece of shit looks like it was chucked together by a fucking Sontaran’ as a catch-phrase.”

New Doctor Who

New Doctor Peter Capaldi spoke of his excitement at the direction for the Time Lord.

Capaldi said, “I’ve always felt the Doctor was a little easy on the people he helps – he’s an alien who is essentially bestowed with superpowers. He should definitely be a bit more of an arsehole when people take the piss.”

“I’ve told the producer I can make him a very convincing dick. I just need the script.”

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