Tuesday 30 July 2013

NHS Direct admits listening to sick people moan not nearly lucrative enough


NHS Direct has decided that listening to sick people moan about where it hurts isn’t nearly as lucrative as they’d hoped.

The organisation is seeking to withdraw from its 111 non-emergency contracts, claiming that the should be paid more than originally agreed to listen to the public whine about something they can’t be bothered to show to a real doctor.

Spokesperson for NHS Direct Simon Williams told reporters, “Due to competitive bidding, we get paid about half the amount we used to for each call we answer – and it’s simply not enough.”

“The public needs to understand that listening to sick people bitch and moan isn’t the golden ticket it once was.”

“Either we start getting paid more money for this, or the public stops being so annoying. It has to be one or the other I’m afraid.”

NHS Direct

Users of the 111 non-emergency line have claimed the service is lacklustre at best, with many phone operators clearly bored of speaking to people like them.

Service user Deirdre Matthews told us, “Look, I know I’m a pain in the arse, but if you’re being paid about a tenner to take my call I want you to sound like I’m important – so let’s hear some bloody sympathy.”

“I’ll have you know that cuticle damage sustained during a self-inflicted manicure is a serious issue.”

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