Wednesday 17 July 2013 by Montgomery Birts

Narnia residents delighted as immigrant loophole through wardrobe is finally closed


Anti-Immigration demonstrators in Narnia are celebrating this morning as a portal that leads to a 19th century wardrobe is finally to be closed.

The wardrobe, which has seen several young children from the 1930’s enter Narnia without being checked by the relevant authorities, is to be destroyed after residents complained of looting, dropped litter (mainly Turkish delight wrappers) and widespread drug use.

A spokesperson for the group ‘Narnia for Narnians’, a Mrs The White Witch cackled, “Here at the N4N we’re absolutely delighted.”

“The place has been inundated with spoilt wartime brats coming over here with their stupid hair and fake posh voices, making the place look untidy and pretty much foiling all of our plans.”

“If things carried on as they were going who knows where it would have stopped? First it’s the odd visit, the next they move their families in, scrounge off the government and drive down our property prices.”

Narnia immigration policy

However, not everyone is in favour of closing the gateway. Some think that it brings much-needed money into the tourism industry and fear that the closure may affect the local economy, something Mrs The White Witch dismisses with an evil laugh.

She went on, “You know what is bad for tourism? Having a massive fuck-off Lion roaming about the place.”

“That’s right, we’re being ruled by a tyrannical lion and, what’s more, he’s immortal. How do you get your head around that?”

“Just last week he had someone’s hand off just for whistling outdoors! No, trust me the closure will be the best thing for everyone concerned.”

It is not yet known how this will affect those on the other side of the wardrobe. A spokesman for the 1930’s was unavailable for comment.

There are currently witterings below - why not add your own?

Previous post:

Next post: