Friday 28 June 2013

Glastonbury attendees busy practising their ‘I definitely had a brilliant time’ face


Everyone at Glastonbury is busy rehearsing the stories they will tell people about how the rain didn’t affect their experience one little bit.

With more rain predicted for this weekend than since early in 2011, experts have said every attendee will currently be preparing to lie through their teeth about how good a time they had.

Glastonbury attendee Simon Williams told us, “I’m piss wet through in a tent that smells like a Syrian refugee camp – but when I get to work on Tuesday I’ll tell everyone it was amazing – obviously.”

“I’m essentially on a brief camping holiday in a shitty farm surrounded by people I despise – so yes, my tales will be epic.”

“By five past 11 this morning Liam Gallagher had told me to fuck off.  It really doesn’t get better than this.”

“I feel obliged to come to every festival since I told everyone what an incredible time I had here in 2005 despite nearly drowning twice.”

“My therapist says I should just admit that I hate it, but I really enjoy the feeling of superiority when I make up all these tales about how wonderful Glastonbury is.”

Glastonbury 2013

Music journalists have explained the phenomenon of bullshitting festival attendees should come as no surprise to anyone who has spent an afternoon being rained on to the noise of people they’ve never heard of.

Writer David Matthews explained, “Of course it’s all lies.  No-one has actually enjoyed themselves in Glastonbury since the Abbotts were given the land by the king in 1191.”

“Everyone else is full of bullshit.”

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