Monday 24 June 2013 by Waylandsmithy

On this day in history: Met police solve Jack the Ripper case – victims blamed


London’s Metropolitan Police have finally solved the mystery of ‘Jack the Ripper’, after successfully making up stories about the victims.

The so-called ‘Whitechapel Murders’ have been the subject of years of speculation, with the identity of the murderer remaining a grisly mystery.

But a new undercover police report has found that he was doing everyone a favour, because those that were killed were probably ‘slagf, frumpetf ande whoref’.

“At first, the Jack the Ripper case seemed dreadful, it was one of our top priorities”, explained head of the CID Robert Anderson.

“But then we realised it was a bit difficult, so we just made some stuff up.”

Met police dirty tricks

Anderson revealed that by blacking up what remained of the faces of the victims, his officers learned to care less about what had happened to them.

But resorting to racism was just the first step in avoiding doing any proper police work.

“Not caring is one thing, but we still needed to hit our target for ‘murder solvations'”, said Anderson.

“If we meet our key performance indicators for three successive quarters, we each get a new fangled Tesla gun and a high-powered police cart.”

So while the bodies were still warm, Anderson framed all five of the victims.

“We claimed they were women, with prostitute tendencies”, said the detective.

“If the public knew that those killed were all middle-class white men, me and my officers would be under all sorts of pressure to find out who did it.”

Anderson denied that he’d considered dragging the corpses out to Harrowdown Hill, and claiming that they’d slashed themselves to death after eating lots of pain killers.

“The public might be gullible but they’re not all stupid. No-one would buy something that unbelievable, would they?”

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