Monday 24 June 2013 by Gary Stanton

George Osborne to be replaced by giant cheese plant


Following news that plants can do arithmetic, George Osborne is to vacate his role as Chancellor, it emerged this afternoon.

Osborne will be replaced by the luxuriant Monstera deliciosa specimen after it confirmed that his sums just don’t add up.

The plant will move into No 11 Downing Street on Wednesday and immediately set to work on cutting the deficit.
A Downing Street spokesman confirmed, “All it needs is a window ledge and occasional watering. This is great value for the taxpayer.”

The plant said, “I’ve already targeted a number of areas where we can make savings – starting with pensioners.”

“If H represents the average winter fuel allowance and P represents the number of pensioners receiving it, then P times H equals the amount of money we’re pissing up the wall on them.”

“The country can’t afford it.”

Plant maths

Downing Street, meanwhile, has refused to deny reports that the plant is even more of a bastard than George Osborne.

The plant added, “As an organism whose principle function is to convert water and carbon dioxide into complex sugars using photosynthesis, I’m not really troubled by issues of conscience.”

“You can shove your compassionate conservatism up your arse.”

“Was there something else? Right, well fuck off then. Countdown is on in five minutes.”

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