Thursday 20 June 2013 by VCG

Joe Kinnear reminds doubters that he defeated the Spanish Armada


Newcastle United Director of Football, Joe Kinnear, has pointed out to his doubters that he successfully commanded English forces against the Spanish Armada in 1588, amongst a range of other achievements.

Kinnear’s appointment has been met with a largely negative reaction, but the former Wimbledon manager has been seeking to win over his critics with a series of lies about his previous exploits.

“I’ve been out of the game for a couple of years and people have been quick to overlook everything that I achieved,” claimed the one-time manager of the year, who oversaw Luton Town’s relegation in the 2000/01 season.

“They’re doubting my ability but I have never been in charge of a team that was relegated and I have been named manager of the year on three occasions.”

“Add to that the fact that in my eighteen games as Newcastle United manager I took them to two league titles, a Champions League title and a Eurovision song contest top three finish, and my record speaks for itself.”

Kinnear defends record

Football analysts claimed that if the Newcastle players defend their goal as heartily as Kinnear defends his track record, then Newcastle could be unlikely title contenders.

Kinnear went on, “I was also responsible for discovering Lionel Messi, winning the Olympics for London 2012 and for leading the English attack that successfully forced the retreat of the Spanish Armada.”

“So I don’t know understand where this negativity is coming from.”

“It’s probably just due to jealousy because I’ve definitely got more intelligence than anybody who doubts me – and what they need to remember is that without me we would all be speaking Spanish.”

“And we’d never have stolen the secret of fire from the gods,” concluded Kinnear, before calling a journalist a cunt.

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