Wednesday 19 June 2013 by Waylandsmithy

Clapping contagion outbreak traced to Bruce Forsyth


Medics have sealed off Bruce Forsyth and doused him with bleach, after discovering that he’s the source of an outbreak of dull, moronic clapping.

When scientists finally proved that a rhythmic ‘bringing together of hands’ was a symptom of illness, it wasn’t long before its spread was noticed throughout live BBC audiences.

Central to the contagion was the overly-long running ‘Strictly It’s Dancing I Suppose’, which Forsyth has been forced to front for nearly 105 years.

“We noticed that he seemed slightly befuddled and was acting erratically”, said Dr Michaels of the Social Disease Unit.

“It was clear that the ‘clapping’ was highly disorienting for him.”

“But that didn’t stop endless rows of old bints mindlessly putting their hands together, at the merest hint of something musical going on.”

Clapping contagion

Within seasons, the contagion had spread to ‘The Voice’, with imbeciles applauding anything from an average performance to something brightly coloured, or even their own shadows.

“Will.I.Am has it the worst, he can clearly be seen clapping his own dress sense”, said Dr Michaels.

“Such self-congratulation can be pitiful to watch.”

With even the Nokia ringtone now eliciting a response from rapturous zombies, there are fears that the disease could soon destroy our entire species’ ability to make critical judgements.

“My fear is that we’re too late, there are already signs that we can’t distinguish ‘quite good’ from ‘appallingly mediocre'”, said Dr Michaels.

“For instance, Black Sabbath are currently Number 1 in the charts.”

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