Friday 17 May 2013 by Matt Taylor

‘No huge demand’ for Philip Hammond, insists gay community


Gay people throughout the UK have resisted calls for Defence Secretary, Philip Hammond to be legalised, saying that there’s ‘very little demand’ for the MP to exist at all.

The outcry follows Mr Hammond’s recent appearance on the BBC’s Question Time programme where he insisted that gay marriage was a waste of time for which there was no demand.

Explaining his comments earlier today Mr Hammond said, “My answer on Question Time has been thoroughly misinterpreted by the media.”

“What I meant to say was that I really really want to be Prime Minister and that denying gays their basic human rights seemed like a good way of getting votes from blue-rinse spinsters.”

Tory sources say that Mr Hammond’s sudden conversion to rejecting minority causes occurred only after his party entered Government with 36% of the popular vote.

Hammond on gay marriage

Speaking from his East London home, King of the Gays Peter Tatchell said, “Legalising Philip Hammond would be an extremely dangerous precedent to set.”

“First you legalise Tory MPs and soon they’ll be demanding you legalise dogs and Nigel Farage, and then where would we be?”

Support for Mr Hammond came from the Health Secretary, Jeremy Hunt who said the new principle of not wasting time on minority causes could save the NHS millions.

“For example, there’s very little annual demand for heart transplants and following Philip’s lead I’m today instructing surgeons to stop wasting time and money on this special interest group and focus on bandaging up pissed people at the weekends instead.”

“But only if they’re Tories, obviously.”

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