Wednesday 15 May 2013

A&E departments urged to hide where stupid people can’t find them

A&E under pressure

A&E departments have been told they could relieve significant pressure on their staff by hiding from the sort of people who get vacuum attachments stuck up their arses.

The College of Emergency Medicine claimed that unless something changes, A&E departments will soon be overrun by morons suffering from entirely preventable injuries.

A spokesperson explained, “We can handle broken limbs, falls, heart attacks and even the odd elderly tumble.

“What we can’t handle is your pissed mate thinking he can jump over a moving car, or wondering whether his missus’ shampoo bottle would fit up his arse.

“In an ideal world, we’d apply some sort of IQ test before we let them inside the hospital grounds, but our administrators insist that would be a bit impractical.

“They also said no to my idea of rejecting anyone who puts anything that even remotely resembles text-speak on their admissions forms.

“Maybe it would just be easier to hide the A&E department where stupid people would never go, like the local library?”

Medical experts have said moving the A&E department where stupid people can’t find it would have a number of other benefits, beyond relieving pressure on overworked doctors and nurses.

Consultant Simon Williams told us, “This has the added benefit of weeding out the borderline simpletons, who might not survive whatever ridiculous self-inflicted injury they’ve suffered – and therefore help the rest of society indirectly.

“Imagine a world where people who would put a light bulb up their arse don’t exist – this move could make that world a reality.”

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