Wednesday 8 May 2013 by Formelia Alberthine

Scottish Premier League agrees turd polishing package


Scottish Premier League clubs have unanimously agreed on a package of measures deemed the most futile attempt at polishing a turd in the history of professional sport.

SPL Chairman Ralph Topping said the changes, due to be implemented in time for the start of next season, were essential in providing a Glasgow kiss of life to a league many believed had already passed away years ago.

“The Scottish Premier League has for a long time now been to sporting entertainment what fried Mars bars have been to life expectancy,” he told reporters.

“It was apparent to all who cast their eyes on an SPL game this season that the only way to make the game a proper spectacle once again was to tweak the format – rather than a grass roots approach to improving technical ability amongst youngsters.”

“From next season you will be able to watch games of an even lower standard involving Scottish League Division 1 teams during the playoffs.”

“What better way to make the SPL more appealing than by showing how bad Scottish football can be.”

SPL reforms

Topping disputed claims the changes were merely ‘sleight of hand’, shuffling the death card to the back of the pack.

“This isn’t so much polishing a turd, it’s simply placing the same turd among its less well regarded brethren to enhance its appeal.”

“We took our lead from UKIP.”

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