Wednesday 17 April 2013 by Gary Stanton

Diamond-encrusted Thatcher headstone ‘value for money’ at £50bn, insists Coalition


Plans for an elaborate diamond-themed memorial to mark Baroness Thatcher’s passing from this world to the next represent terrific value for money, according to David Cameron’s Coalition.

At 1km high, the proposed stone-cum-monument is set to dwarf even The Shard and will be comprised of a massive ‘free-enterprise falcon’ defecating on the helmet of a miner.

With a wingspan in excess of 2km the giant bird of prey is expected to utilise the world’s remaining reserves of platinum, thereby creating jobs.

And like The Shard, the memorial will feature a shopping area, luxury flats and a ‘leisure playground’ set to put Rhyl’s famous Suncentre in the shade.

Thatcher headstone

The miner’s helmet itself is to be fashioned from finest gold alloy and will house a Michael Gove academy school where fee-paying pupils can lean about stuff like Economics, X-Factor and Chemistry.

Work has already commenced on an area of Highgate Cemetery twenty acres squared, with space freed up by bulldozing pre-1979 graves, including more recent ones that aren’t visited very often.

The government plans to fund the monument by making cost-cutting measures elsewhere, with plans to axe the profligate London Children’s Hospital and a dialysis unit in Rochdale.

However, some Tories have come under fire from their Lib Dem counterparts, with Vince Cable suggesting a more modest sculpture would be more fitting in the light of austerity and a harsh George Osborne.

But Cable’s alternative proposal for a 100 metre high bronze eagle shafting a tear-stained single mother failed to win over a majority of the Cabinet.

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