Monday 15 April 2013 by Waylandsmithy

‘Practice run’ for Nick Clegg funeral takes place behind bins at Tesco


Britain’s longest-serving Lib Dem deputy PM declared he was ‘honoured to be a part’ of today’s practice funeral, but has insisted on the addition of some air holes.

Nick Clegg was seen as a ‘beacon of hope’ when he formed a coalition just a few short years ago, despite being tarnished by Gordon Brown’s claim that he ‘agreed with Nick’.

But since then the nation has been divided by his rule; some say he was misguided, while the rest insist he was probably an idiot.

In line with a tradition of removing mediocre politicians from history, Nick Clegg’s achievements have already been struck from official parliamentary records.

“That didn’t take quite as long as you might imagine”, explained Jeremy Forster, a representative from Hansard.

“We did a global search and delete for ‘and the boy agreed with Cameron’, then ripped out the page recording how his apology song went viral.”

Practice funeral

As voters might expect, Clegg will be buried with full Salvation Army honours, the dregs of a bottle snatched from a tramp being symbolically drizzled over his coffin.

Clegg’s body will be preserved in cardboard boxes and drawn through the streets of London by a 1997 Volvo Estate, a bit of yellow ribbon carefully tied to stop the tailgate from flipping up.

“The ribbon was my idea”, chirped Clegg, “Mr Cameron even let me choose the colour. It’s just another example of how my ideas are influencing the coalition.”

Stopped on double yellows, hazard lights ablaze, Clegg will lie in state in a big bin towards the rear of an unnamed Tesco.

Cameron confirmed that The Smith’s album on his iPod will be turned down out of respect during the unceremonious dumping, where Clegg will be buried in accordance with his wishes, next to the fetid remains of the Liberal Democrat Party.

“It’s reassuring to know that my funeral plans are in place”, said Clegg.

“Although I had hoped they’d wait until I’m actually dead.”

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