Wednesday 10 April 2013 by Gary Stanton

Fears for Thatcher’s funeral after G4S wins security contract


Fears are growing over the security at Margaret Thatcher’s funeral after the security contract was awarded to Olympics blunderers G4S.

The funeral is seen as a high-profile target for any number of militant groups such as The Cranberries and anyone born north of Watford.

G4S has been guilty of a number of security failures to-date such as hiring known terrorists to patrol the Olympics and presiding over the theft of a plastic heron from the Blue Peter Garden.

The security firm has already come under fire over the seating arrangements after a leak revealed that Nelson Mandela will be sat next to Nick Griffin and various members of Combat 18.

Trainees, meanwhile, have revealed that they have yet to be shown how to adequately frisk someone without bringing them to orgasm.

G4S staff have been told to be suspicious of anyone with an Irish accent, a beard or a heavily-tanned face, especially if carrying a rucksack.

Thatcher funeral security

The funeral procession, which stretches from the Palace of Westminster to St Paul’s cathedral, will be patrolled by up to twenty G4S employees, with another five hired to monitor ticket touts.

The group last night sought to restore public confidence by revealing the code name for the plans is ‘Operation Don’t Fuck Up’

Head of G4S Security Simon Williams said, “We have a special crack force of security ninjas in place in case anyone decides to throw a sandwich at the hearse.”

He added, “Although floral tributes are nice, the public should know that we regard every bunch of daffodils as the potential hiding place for a rocket launcher.”

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