Thursday 4 April 2013 by Gary Stanton

Purchase of expensive Italian trousers marred by imminent nuclear holocaust


The purchase of some fashionable lightweight Italian trousers is set to be thoroughly ruined by end-of-world type developments on the Korean peninsula, according to reports.

Trouser fan Simon Williams claims the £89 spent at the Boggi store in Ellesmere Port’s Cheshire Oaks development is a complete waste as he stands to be vaporised by lunchtime today.

As Britons stockpiled essentials foods like tinned peaches and peas, most people confirmed that a pair of classic Italian flannels in blue pin-stripe would not be among the items they take to the fallout shelter.

Williams admits to ignoring the bellicose rhetoric pouring out of Pyonyang in recent weeks because, as he put it, he “needed a new pair of trousers” and his old ones “had a hole in the knee”.

Nuclear Armageddon

The Pentagon, meanwhile, said it would be sending warships to the Western Pacific irrespective of Williams’ significant financial outlay.

Last night Kim Jon Un denounced Williams’ for his “shit taste in clothes”, adding that he could have picked up a perfectly adequate pair of slacks in Pyonyang Market for as little as three weeks wages.

North Korea has issued an array of statements in recent weeks threatening tactical nuclear strikes on specific targets including a Gucci outlet in San Francisco and a Hugo Boss store in LA.

Williams added, “I pray that, for the sake of the world, the two sides pull back from the brink and learn the lessons of Hiroshima.

“There’s this really nice stripey jumper going for £45 in Jeff Banks.”

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