Thursday 4 April 2013 by Waylandsmithy

Goth records to be criminalised


In a desperate attempt to cheer up the people of Manchester, Goth music will be criminalised from midday.

Anyone caught in possession of more than two albums by Joy Division could face up to 200 hours of community remixes of the Happy Mondays.

But fans of black clothes and oversized boots have complained they’re ‘all being tarred’ with the same very, very dark grey brush.

Belladonna Noire (not her real name) insists the ban could fall foul of the European Court of Pseudo-Vampish Rights.

“If I want to go around in a carefully coordinated cloud of depression, then that’s my business. It’s not the State’s job to make me listen to Michael Bublé”, claimed Noire.

“We don’t all have to be ‘a little ray of sunshine’, they’re targeting the wrong people. Why not persecute Robbie Williams fans? They’ve got no end of criminal records.”

Goth ban

Manchester Chief Constable Sir Peter Fahy has listened carefully to such complaints, although he denied strenuously listening their ‘miserable bloody music’.

“I think we might soften our approach, and target the record labels rather than the users”, said Fahy.

“Even breathing in second-hand Sisters of Mercy can cause early signs of nihilism.“

Fahy hinted that his force might turn a blind eye to those caught in possession of just a few Bauhaus EPs, as long as they’re just ‘for personal use’.

“There’s a simple test to find out if a Goth is too far gone”, explained Fahy.

“We play a track by Halfman Halfbiscuit. If they don’t so much as smile, then we may have to resort to tickling.”

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