Wednesday 27 March 2013 by Spacey and Gary Stanton

Search ends to find word to describe Richard Littlejohn that isn’t ‘C**t’


A lengthy search by lexicographers to find a word other than ‘c**t’ to accurately describe Richard Littlejohn has been called off.

A team of crack word experts, led by Countdown’s Susie Dent, spent days scouring dictionaries, articles and books for an alternative to “cunt”, but abandoned all hope at first light this morning.

Dent said, “We’re grateful for all the volunteers who worked long into the night and helped us sift through words like tool, tosser, wanker, arsehole and their derivatives, none of which really quite fit the bill.”

It is feared that without an adequate word to describe Littlejohn other than ‘cunt’ his existence may be erased from history as Internet software controls routinely block it and deny access to articles containing it.

Richard Littlejohn definition

Long-suffering wife Wendy admitted, “It was the first thing I was going to put on his tombstone.

“According to the engravers, you pay by the letter and “fucking bell-end” would have cost me an extra hundred quid.

“More if I wanted the hyphen.”

Headline writers, who will continue to replace the U and N in ‘Cunt’ with asterisks, have said they are disappointed, but not surprised at the lack of credible alternative.

“I’ve been trying for a while to find an alternative but nothing else seems to quite encapsulate how much of a cunt Richard Littlejohn is,” said headline writer Brian Goddard.

“I’ve tried combining expletives, but ‘twunter’ and ‘fustard’ didn’t come close to describing his cuntishness.

“I just couldn’t make it up!”

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