London police squads targeting knife crime in the capital have extended their remit to cover any biscuit product with three sides.
In response to increasing flapjack-related school violence, London police officials have announced a new task-force to address the issue.
Operation Soft Biscuit will look closely at the causes of three-sided biscuit violence and see what can be done to eliminate the root cause from our capital’s schools.
As one officer involved told us, “If just one child is injured by a pointy biscuit, then we will have failed in our mission.”
“It might be an ambitious target, but we want to see every London school serving biscuits that are round and hopefully covered in some sort of soft sponge.”
“Angles in food of less than 90 degrees will be nothing but a distant memory. If you’re packing a triangle, it had better be cheese and it had better be soft.”
Early progress has been made in the war against sharp biscuits, with confiscations seen at many schools around the city.
One student stopped and searched outside his secondary school told us, “This is so unfair, my flap-jack clearly had five sides, if you include the front and the back.”
“But apparently that just makes me ‘some sort of smart arse’.”
“And still they wonder why no-one likes the police.”