Friday 22 March 2013 by Waylandsmithy

Diane Abbott ‘literally finds everything arousing’


Diane Abbott aroused by everything

MP for Hackney Diane Abbott is demanding a ban on anything moist, firm or pink, after suffering sexual exhaustion during a walk down her high street.

During a short trip that Abbott had hoped would be a ‘quicky’, she was confronted with a number of Freudian images, ranging from a barber’s pole to a baker’s soft baps.

“My journey started badly as soon as I slipped through the back door”, claimed Abbott.

“There was a glass shelter opposite with a sign advertising ‘Bust Ops’.”

“What sort of world is it where breast implants are rubbed in your face while you’re trying to swipe your Oyster? I was a shaking wreck by the time I’d clambered on top.”

Abbott aroused

Abbott nearly passed out when the bus pulled out at the last minute, before the driver nudged slowly into the ring road.

As they approached the high street, Abbott felt the time was right to exit the vehicle.

“I’d nearly arrived, and was begging for release”, she explained.

“But he was an awfully strict man, and refused to contravene Section 163 of the 1954 Road Traffic Regulations”, she claimed.

“Which was a shame, because I was desperate to get off.”

Although weak at the knees Abbott eventually completed her shopping list, and returned to the bus depot with a furry purse, a large salami and a pearl necklace.

“I made a point of looking for the same bus, with its hirsute and disciplined Polish driver”, revealed Abbott.

“I’ve got a soft spot for rigid, hairy Poles.”

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