Thursday 21 March 2013

Alcoholics delighted by 15p a night savings from Budget


Alcoholics happy with budget

Heavy drinkers have sobered up long enough to welcome the 1p reduction in duty on beer, insisting that if they do this right they might be able to afford a packet of crisps at the end of the week.

In a bid to secure the lucrative alcoholic vote, Chancellor George Osborne did the absolute least he could get away with in order to win them over with a gesture so transparent the whole thing should be renamed the cling-film budget.

Fifteen pint a-night man Simon Williams told us, “As a serious consumer of beer, I’m delighted that George Osborne cares so much about me. Most people walk past me in the street – though that’s mostly due to the stench of stale urine.”

“When you look at how much I spend on alcohol, I’m sure these pennies will soon add up something close to a whole pound.”

“For once this warm feeling isn’t an unintended bowel movement, and is just to do with how much the government loves me.”

“Yes, of course I’ll vote for them – why do you ask?”

Alcohol duty

Publicans have also been quick to say how swiftly they will be reducing the price of their pints by a penny.

Landlord Mike Shales told us, “It’s very important to us that the consumer feels the full benefit of this duty reduction, so yes, we’ll be updating prices the very second we can find the time to update our systems.”

“It might look like a chalkboard to the untrained eye, but it’s a complex just-in-time retail delivery mechanism, you just can’t rush these things.”

There are currently witterings below - why not add your own?

Previous post:

Next post: