Tony Blair has told journalists that he believed ‘deeply and sincerely’ that the tramps he murdered in a town 15 miles away posed a ‘significant threat’ to his safety.
Blair has faced criticism from a number of sources for his late-night psychotic paroxysms on the homeless, but is adamant that killing them is not only justified but ‘completely the right thing to do’.
“Look, when it comes down to it, you haven’t seen all the sensitive evidence that my team has carefully fabricated,” explained Blair.
“An attack by any one of these vagrants could have been launched on myself, within just a 40 minute bus ride.”
Despite the bodies of tramps piling up rapidly, no proof has emerged yet that any of them were seriously considering an assault on the former PM.
“Well, that’s easy to say after the event”, claimed Blair.
“But at the time I was considering my murderous rampage, some of them were looking at me funny.”
Blair has ‘no regrets’
Psychologists have suggested Blair may have carried out the attacks to impress an American he’d recently met.
But while Blair admitted to being ‘a little bit infatuated’ with Mr Bush, the voices he’d listened to most were the ones in his head, urging him to slaughter just in case.
Blair was unable to explain exactly how stockpiles of cider and piss-soaked blankets could be used to target someone living miles away, but insisted a frenzied attack with a screwdriver was the only rational response.
“We’ve been through this, it’s time to admit I’m right and move on”, said Blair.
“If we hurry, we can make it to Damascus Road: we should stamp a couple of whores to death, they might have some change in their pockets.”