Tuesday 19 March 2013 by Gary Stanton

Michael Owen’s retirement announcement postponed due to vocal injury


Michael Owen retirement announcement

Michael Owen’s retirement from professional football is on hold due to a further vocal injury setback, according to reports.

The former England striker had been due to make a statement earlier today regarding his future when a recurrence of a long-standing vocal chord problem stopped him in his tracks.

The muted player was left with no option but to issue a written statement, however a recurrence of a hand ligament problem meant this too had to be put on hold.

And in a further knock to his confidence, Owen was hospitalised when leaving the venue by a rare Perseid meteor falling out of season.

Efforts have since been made to obtain Owen’s retirement by issuing him with a voice synthesiser, but the hapless player managed to electrocute himself when plugging it in.

Undaunted, the plucky striker tried to announce his intentions via the power of suggestion but had to give up after succumbing to a migraine.

Michael Owen retiring

Stoke manager Tony Pulis said, “It’s an extraordinary run of bad luck. I really feel for him.”

“He’s laid up in bed at the moment dictating his breakfast order using subtle movements of his eyelid.”

“I was hoping to extract a statement out of him that way, but there’s a stray eyelash there causing problems and the doctors don’t want him to aggravate it.”

Owen had originally planned to announce his retirement last season, but the press conference had to be abandoned after the FA’s London headquarters were struck by the Barcelona to Perpignan express train which had suffered a freak derailment some 900 miles off course.

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