Pope Francis has inaugurated his papacy at a Mass in Rome, calling on everyone not sat on a gold chair to defend the poor and the weak.
In front of 200,000 worshippers, the new head of the multi-billion dollar catholic church said it was important that society looked towards the poor, and said so without the slightest trace of irony in his voice.
Putting in place a solid gold ring the size of an apple, Pope Francis told onlookers with a completely straight face, “It is important we think of those less fortunate than ourselves, which is pretty much everyone on the planet when you work here.”
“If you think this all looks incredibly splendid – you should see inside, it’s pretty awesome, honestly.”
“Seriously, if you don’t like gold furnishings you’d probably hate it, but I think it’s really ‘bling’ – as some of the young choristers say.”
Onlookers said the new Pope’s performance was ‘very polished’, and that they wouldn’t want to play poker with him.
Former catholic Simon Williams told us, “Did you see that bit about helping the poor? If you didn’t know better you’d say he lives in a mud hut and survives on the generosity of strangers.”
“I’m just surprised they didn’t pass around a collection plate. You don’t get to be the wealthiest organisation on the planet without knowing a thing or two about fund-raising.”
“You have to remember, the only difference between bankers and the Vatican is at least the bankers pretend like you’re going to get your money back.”