Monday 18 March 2013 by Graeme Cooke

David Cameron breaks First and Second rules of Tory Fight Club


Tory MPs and grassroots members alike were reportedly more outraged than usual following Party Leader David Cameron’s speech to the spring party conference where he proclaimed ‘We are here to fight’.

Our Political Analyst explained, “This is in contradiction of the time-honoured ‘You do not talk about Tory fight club’ rules.”

“It’s a similar situation were Cameron to announce that the party was just a lobby for a small cabal of self-interested businessman and titled land owners. Self evidently completely honest, but really not the done thing.”

Conference delegate Retired Major Samuel Jenkins of Tunbridge Wells said, “Well obviously the Tory party conference has for years been about having a massive scrap after too many G&Ts.”

“Reading the Daily Mail every day puts a chap on edge with these falling house prices, gay marriage, and the existence of Europe.”

“Beating the shit out of a fellow angry rich wanker is really quite cathartic.”

Tory fight club

As well as battling each other, MPs are understood to arrange bouts between typical right-wing hate figures who are tempted to join in by the promise of wide-screen plasma TVs and a Macdonalds meal.

One delegate told our reporter, “It’s fascinating! Obviously the smart money goes on the fourteen year-old ex-conscript Somalian who spent three days under a lorry to get here, especially when he’s put up against some benefits scrounger in a wheelchair.”

“But with the way those guys did at the paralympics last year I’m expecting some close matches.”

“Apparently they’ve got a fox fighting an underpaid nurse next. Great stuff!”

The tradition of Tory fight club is believed to go all the way back to the late forties when then Prime Minister Winston Churchill would organise punch ups between local Tory councillors across the UK in locations as diverse as beaches, streets, fields and hills.

However in a surprise twist it turns out that David Cameron does not actually exist at all, but is just George Osborne’s imaginary projection of the person he wishes he could be.

There are currently witterings below - why not add your own?

Previous post:

Next post: