Friday 15 March 2013

Have we considered putting benefit claimants in pits, Osborne asks Cameron


Black Death pit

Large holes in which to bury the people society has deemed ‘unclean’ sound like a pretty bloody good idea, according to Conservative sources this morning.

After discovery of the Black Death pit in London, Conservative central office has been buzzing with suggested new ways of modernising the policy of simply putting the people you don’t want around any more into a big hole in the ground.

“I don’t know why we didn’t think of it before, we could even put the hole in the middle of a DSS office, disguised as an interview room,” said one Tory insider.

“It needs a bit of spinning, granted – but we’ve implemented much worse already. I mean, a disability isn’t exactly the black death, but it’s still a drain on us that we could really do without.”

“We’d get thousands off the benefit teat, save a shed load of cash, and they’d probably decompose and help enrich the soil – so it’s a green policy, too.”

Black death pit

Incentives to enter the benefit pit could include; sausage rolls, free satellite television, and all the tracksuits you could possibly wear.

Our source continued, “We’re not going to tell them we’re burying them in a big pit, obviously – just that they’re getting a free break in a city centre location, with complimentary Gregg’s baked goods during their stay.”

“Someone will probably dig them up in 600 years time and hail us all as geniuses.”

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