Wednesday 13 March 2013

Vatican cigarette break accidentally triggers St Peters square celebrations


Four heavy-smoking Cardinals have sparked delirium outside the Vatican after trying to avoid smoke alarms in the Papal conclave during a cheeky fag break.

In an attempt to conceal their habit, the cardinals exhaled their smoke into the nearest chimney, which was seen by Catholics outside the building as a sign that a new pope had been selected.

“It’s pandemonium out there right now,” said one Vatican official.

“Try telling a thousands of people that you don’t have a new Pope, just an ageing Sicilian cardinal who likes roll-ups and thinks the rules don’t apply to him.”

“Just because we believe in life ever-lasting with our Lord and saviour, doesn’t mean we don’t want to remain healthy in this life. We take passive smoking very seriously.”

“Of course, it also didn’t help that as soon as they mentioned a going for a quick ‘fag break’, American Cardinal Roger Mahony immediately asked ‘Oh, how old are they?’.”

“He’s insatiable.”

Papal conclave

Technology experts have said that perhaps it’s about time the Vatican updated its own communication technology, suggesting that smoke signals are a probably bit outdated for a multi-billion dollar corporation like the Catholic Church.

Analyst Simon Williams told us, “How hard would be it be to set a few of them up with a Twitter account? Christ, even the last Pope had one for a while.”

“Personally I’d like to see a jumbotron screen on the top of St Peter’s basilica, with Jon Snow using 3D animations to show how the voting is going.”

“But then, I supposed the Catholic church has always been one for keeping things behind closed doors and away from prying eyes.”

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