Wednesday 13 March 2013 by Waylandsmithy

Next Pope to be chosen ‘by natural selection’


The Catholic church has revealed an evolutionary plan to leave the choice of Pontiff to natural selection.

Notoriously difficult to breed and linked to the spread of misery and intolerance, only one specimen is known to survive.

Slow-moving, hunched and suffering from Latin, ‘Lonesome Ratzinger’ has shown no interest in producing an heir.

Cardinal Stromboli is in charge of the Pope breeding programme, and warns that the gene pool they draw on is shallow, ageing and incapable of producing a female.

“For Popes to survive, they need to draw some young blood, but not in the way we so often read about in the papers”, suggested Stromboli.

“We aim to gather the tougher-looking ones in a room, chain them together, and let them fight it out to find a new Alpha Male.”

Pope selection process

Stromboli believes the demand for ‘pedigree Popes’ has significantly damaged the breed.

“People want something well-read and wrinkled with big, wavy hands”, he explained. “But their temperament makes them unsuitable for a family home.”

By focusing more on strength, aggression and the ability to take a punch, Stromboli hopes to produce a vicious attack Pope that can survive an onslaught of logical arguments, or criminal prosecutions.

“We’re putting the ‘dog’ back in ‘dogma’, you won’t want to mess with the next one”, growled the cardinal.

“We don’t want you to like him, we want you to cower in fear.”

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