Wednesday 13 March 2013 by Waylandsmithy

Large-eyed neanderthals ‘invented HDTV before the wheel’


Neanderthal television habits

Scientists have revealed the real reason neanderthals died out, following the discovery of a primitive flat screen TV in a cave in the Dordogne.

While Homo sapiens spent their time inventing weapons, agriculture and a method of transporting heavy loads, it’s believed the large-eyed neanderthals just stared at the wall.

“We know from their skulls that their eyes were more capable of appreciating the rich colours of a high-definition digital image”, explained Professor Dunwoody.

“But watching day-time TV would have used a lot of their brains’ processing power. That leads us to conclude that they probably only communicated by grunting, tutting or saying ‘shhh’.”

A team of researchers has carefully examined the cave, and found further evidence that neanderthals died out from boredom, and over-consumption of corn-based snacks.

“We found two smooth, polished divots in a low rock, separated by a slight ridge”, revealed Dunwoody.

“At first we thought it may have been for a ritual but then we carried out a ‘sniff test’. That showed conclusively that we were looking at an arse groove.”

Neanderthal TV habits

Fossilized drool near the rock was found to contain high levels of salt, as well as traces of early pizza and an ancient form of blue pop.

“In some ways, Neanderthals were similar to our ancestors”, claimed Dunwoody. “Particularly my Uncle Derek, the lazy, fat shit.”

Dunwoody had hoped that the cave would provide clues to an intelligent ‘missing link’, but admitted the signs so far weren’t good.

“We know Neanderthals liked to preserve images on the walls of their caves for posterity, but all we’ve found is a primitive Virgin Media box.”

“That’s the strongest evidence yet that they were complete fucking idiots.”

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