Tuesday 12 March 2013

Vatican’s papal conclave kicks off with heated debate about hottest new choirboy


The gathering of cardinals tasked with selecting the new Pope has begun with a highly-charged discussion about the hottest choirboy on the Vatican roster.

With cardinals arriving from all over the world, the papal conclave contains many differing tastes and preferences that could see the eventual decision drag on for days.

Though the process is shrouded in secrecy, retired cardinal Padraig O’Donnell opened up about the how the cardinals select the hottest choirboy.

He told us, “The more organised cardinals will come with photos and Powerpoint presentations, perhaps depicting the choirboy in any number of religious poses.”

“Maybe even one or two candid shots of them playing with the other choirboys.”

“It’s seen as a great honour to have brought the hottest choirboy before the conclave – it shows great taste and judgement on the part of the cardinal – so the arguments will go on well into the night, as they always do.”

Vatican conclave begins

O’Donnell went on to explain that the arguments and pitches are a great warm-up for the selection of the Pope, though many see this as of secondary importance at the gathering.

He told us, “Unlike the selection of the Pope, you don’t get a smoke signal when we make a decision – but you’ll know because we ask for a private recital from the lucky winner.”

“Honestly, after a couple of days warming up with this, selecting God’s representative on earth is a piece of cake.”

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