Friday 8 March 2013 by Gary Stanton

Elderly northern prostitutes not keen on new Rooney deal


OAP prostitutes across the North of England are unwilling to offer out-of-favour punter Wayne Rooney a new sex contract, according to reports.

Sex workers throughout the Granada region insist they are prepared for a life of austerity without the England and Man U striker, with a meagre state pension making up the shortfall.

Local hooker Enid Watson, 67, was the first to drop Rooney from her starting line-up, which included a Prestwich antiques dealer and a nervous stockbroker from Alderley Edge.

Rooney has left Mrs Watson exasperated with his failure to overcome concerns relating to his fitness.

Those issues, combined with the perception that Rooney’s mobility and energy have been compromised, have accelerated his fall from grace at her Swinton knocking shop.

No Rooney deal

Watson said, ‘These days he can’t even be bothered to stick his middle finger up my arse.”

“He’s a shadow of the man who walked in here, aged 18, brimming with youthful vitality and Lynx deodorant.”

Other sources within the game have placed Rooney’s market value as low as £10 for a hand-job and £15.99 for oral without a condom.

Rooney meanwhile has accused Watson, a gonorrhea-afflicted grandmother of nine with a £200- a-day scag habit, of lacking ambition.

But last night Watson hit back, “He was always good when coming from behind but nowadays I’d opt for young Danny Welbeck in that position with Ryan Giggs in a supporting role out wide.”

“I’d only bring on Wayne for the last twenty minutes if things aren’t going well.”

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