Monday 4 March 2013

Vatican: ‘It might be easier if we just add sexual abuse to the Catholic doctrine’


The Vatican has admitted it would be much easier just to say that sexual abuse is OK now, rather than have to deal with an endless stream of controversies involving the clergy.

With former Cardinal Keith O’Brien the latest priest embroiled in a sexual abuse scandal, the church said that maybe it was time to amend its approach in dealing with such scandals.

A Vatican official explained, “Look, Catholics readily accept that condoms are evil, and if they’ll believe that rubbish, then I’m sure they’ll believe that committing sexual abuse is a perfectly normal part of being a priest.”

“They already tell priests their deepest darkest secrets, so why not let them touch you in your deepest darkest secret places?”

“It’s not that big of a leap when you really think about it. Which we have been. A lot.”

“Lets be honest, if there wasn’t a big hoo-ha every time a priest misbehaved we could get on with the real Church business, you know, accumulating wealth and cleaning our nice hats.”

Catholic doctrine revisited

Father Padraig O’Donnell is leading the research effort into looking at the practicalities involved in amending the Catholic doctrine.

He told us, “We were making it up as we went along for hundreds of years before it all got written down, so we don’t see any major issues in tweaking the text now.”

“If Catholics will accept transubstantiation is a real thing, then I don’t see why touching a boys penis suddenly being OK would prove to be a stumbling block.”

“We’ve got some great lawyers and they don’t foresee any issues.”

“Imagine what we could achieve if everyone just stopped going on about abuse within our organisation. We’d be unstoppable!”

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