Thursday 28 February 2013 by Gary Stanton

Cameron and Clegg ‘perfect couple’ for Mars Mission, insists everyone


Cameron and Clegg for Mars mission

David Cameron and Nick Clegg are the ideal choice for Dennis Tito’s Mars adventure wildcard voyage to the Red Planet, according to the entire population of the UK.

A team led by millionaire and former space tourist Dennis Tito plans to send a “tested couple” to Mars in a privately funded mission, which will explore the effects of lethal gamma radiation on the human torso.

The Inspiration Mars Foundation plans to start its one-and-a-half-year mission in January 2018, but Britons insist that the couple are ‘good to go’ by October 2013 latest.

And space experts across Britain claim that by making the return leg ‘optional’ they can do the trip at half the price.

Among those involved in the project is Jane Poynter, who spent two years locked away in a sealed ecosystem with seven other people in 1991 which she described as a ‘New Age Garden of Eden except for the other tossers’.

“Basically, the person you’re holed up with needs to be someone you can trust. That rules out Iain Duncan Smith,” she told us.

Mission to Mars

Mission planners want the crew to consist of an older couple whose relationship would be able to withstand the stress of living in a close Coalition for two years.

Poynter continued, “The selection process will attempt to find a resilient couple who would be able to maintain a happy upbeat attitude in the face of catastrophic failure and a cold indifferent universe.”

Meanwhile, the couple will receive extensive training in the form of a Red Dwarf box set and a pamphlet entitled ‘How To Wipe Your Arse in Zero Gravity’.

However, critics suggest that the cramped conditions and ionising radiation will have serious consequences for pair’s fertility.

Poynter added, “What? You mean you want them to have more kids?”

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