Tuesday 26 February 2013 by Gary Stanton

Steve McClaren to part company with Dutch accent


Following his sacking by FC Twente, Steve McClaren and his extraordinary accent have announced they are to sensationally part company.

The former England manager has not pronounced a Dutch vowel correctly since a league match on 21 December, with his voice currently placed ninth in a UEFA elocution league, two places behind Joey Barton.

Things came to a head during an after-dinner speech in Utrecht last Wednesday after it emerged that no one of the audience could understand a word he was saying and people in the front room were drenched with phlegm.

Steve’s accent said, “It ish wid regret dat Schteve and I are heffing to go our scheparate waysh.”

“I wasch really liking dis guy but exishting as a dishtinct entity within Schteve, I often found it hard to work within the confinesh of hish larynx.”

McClaren leaving accent

McClaren responded: “We have agreed that it’s in the best interests of my voice box if I no longer attempt to talk like this. By ‘eck.”

Linguistics expert and part-time herbal cafe owner Rudi Van Putten said, ‘The thing is nobody in the Netherlands talks like this.”

“Steve’s mistake was to watch Ben Dover’s Rotterdam Cum Party as preparation for life in the Netherlands – a film which features largely British actors attempting to speak Dutch and making a total pig’s ear of it’.”

“Aye – appen ‘e’s right. Love a duck,” McClaren told us.

Meanwhile Twente chairman Joop Munsterman said the decision to sack McClaren was his and his alone, but admitted he was disappointed to see the Englishman’s ridiculous accent go.

“Believe me – this has nothing to do with Steve’s accent and everything to do with him being a shit football coach.”

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